I know you have a crush on my blog, because you didn't say so.

An acquaintance was recently talking about online crushes--having a crush on someone you only know via the internet and how weird that is, especially when we stop to consider how the ability to structure our social networking pages to suit how we want to be presented is used. I mean, we talk about preserving privacy, which is totally a good thing, and way more important than most people seem to realize, but we're also preserving, deconstructing, and repurposing a sense of anonymity and control over what people know about us. People tend to make a ton of arbitrary rules for how their internet existence is presented that they insist on following and then judge others for not following. But, we all make our own rules at the same time, and hope that we're being better at the internet than the next person.


For some people, facebook, tumblr, twitter, instagram (which, like, seriously, wtf is that instagram shit even necessary for? I already have a tumblr, pinterest, twitter, facebook, and gods only know what else.), and whatever else they have are an opening into their lives, interests, thoughts, happenings. For others, it's just another way to keep in touch with people, and involves powering through all the privacy settings. Which is cool. I have members of my family, ex-classmates, ex-coworkers, etc. who I block from seeing most of what I post. But, then, those same people could probably find my internet presence pretty quickly just from looking around. I've used the same "screenname" for a decade. Plus, I kind of enjoy oversharing because I think it's hilarious to make people uncomfortable. Which means that some people I've never met and often internet friends who I have never even remotely opened up to can find my blog and read about my gynecological mishaps.


But also, I don't see why I should have to hide anything about myself from anyone I actually know or want to know. People should either like me or not like me, and I shouldn't really have to try to pretend I'm not batshit crazy or whatever just to get people to like me. This is related to internet crushes. (I swear I'm not just rambling). This is totally related to internet crushes. Hang on I need to wrangle a stray train of thought because shiny things keep happening and also Ally Mcbeal is on. 


Where was I? Internet crushes and our control over our internet representations and arbitrary rules we make for ourselves? Connections? Oh. Right. Ok. Another friend was recently discussing the self-imposed rules of dating that our generation seems to abide by. Don't text someone too often. Don't call first. Wait some magical amount of time after a date before contacting. Don't have sex right away or they'll never see you as anything more than a fuck buddy. Don't ever tell someone you like them before you're sure they like you too. Fuck that noise, right? Especially when it comes to online dating, these rules are ridiculous and constricting, and pretty much inhibitive of any kind of real connection (we can argue later about whether online dating allows for real connection or not; for now we're talking about internet crushes).


I keep thinking about an internet crush I had many years ago. I can't even remember his name. Probably Justin or something like that. I believe he went by the letter "J" (he's one of about 20 guys I've known who do that, and it's almost never not kinda douchey). I was maybe 19 or so when I met him. He contacted me on some dating site that I was on at the insistence of some friends after a break-up. By the time I had figured out how to reply back to him I was already dating someone else. But a friendship was started, and we'd chat on a regular basis. We always spoke of hanging out, but I never wanted to deal with having to explain to the guy I was with that I was heading out to meet some other dude from the internet. But at some point, I dumped that dude, and made it pretty clear to "J" that I was now single. And totally rebounding.  In the end, "J" came over less than a week before he moved to Nebraska or somewhere, and we made our for, like, nine hours. And instantly we weren't friends anymore. I mean, we chatted a bit after he moved, but within 6 months he had disappeared completely. And I totally missed my friend.


I've been told that men never move women into the "friend zone". It occurs to me that potentially my entire friendship with this guy was his way of trying to get into my pants. Even more, it occurs to me that I really didn't know much about him. I knew what he did for a living, and what area he lived in. I knew to some degree what kind of music he was into and what he did for fun. But I never bothered to ask him what his intentions were with me, and I never told him what I really wanted from him. So, my wanting to chat with him after we hung out potentially sent him the signal that I was more into him than I was. Which is possibly the stupidest thing ever.


I shouldn't have to be careful not to IM a person just in case they think I like them more than they like me. Or not like their facebook photos too often. Or whatever. But we do have these rules. Self-imposed rules based on the fact that men and women supposedly speak a different language, which is total bullshit. Men and women do not need to be fucking mysteries to each other, except for our culturally imposed and socialized differences. Whatever, bitches. Gender is a construct and queer folk have these stupid rules too, and nonsense makes me sad. But I still don't want to tell a person I'm into them because no matter how many hints I may think they're dropping, I'm still not sure what they want from me. And it's against the rules to ask.  


Which is just fucking ridiculous because unless you've known someone a pretty long time you can't possibly know what they're thinking. Whether they're on the internet or not. I'm pretty sure the moral of this post is to shut the fuck up and project whatever image you want of yourself whether it's on the internet or IRL, or totally in your own head. Also, tell that person you like that you like them. And not in a creepy way that makes them question why they know you. Also, I'm pretty sure no one will read this post anyway because I'm not talking all crazy-like about my lady business.