My sister "M": It is fucking hot in here.
Me: Want a hairtie?
Sister: You don't have lice, do you?
Me: Yes. Lots of them.
Sister: Like, how many, would you say?
Me: About 20. Wanna know their names?
Sister: Oh G-d*, you're one of those people that names everything, aren't you?
Me: Yes.**
Sister: Like your vag.
Me: I never named my vag.***
My niece who is hard of hearing: YOU NAMED YOUR FAT?!
Sister: No, never mind.
Me: Shhhhh. We're totally not talking about my vag in church. Quit talking about my vag in church!
Sister: Mary Magdalene had a vag. How do you think she gave birth to Jesus.
Me: Mary Magdalene was NOT Jesus's mother. Other Mary was.
Which, to be fair, Christianity is totally confusing. I mean, Jesus had a whore girlfriend with the same name as his mama who was a virgin. And how hard must it have been to pass a baby through the tube of birthing if her hymen was still intact? (Yesterday on the radio I swear I heard someone mention a musician named "Dick Hyman" and no one else heard but me and they couldn't understand why I was laughing so hard.)
Later that same day I was bored with my family so I decided to read "The Story of O" in the church foyer. Because I'm respectful like that. Also, I once hit my car into a church, but it wasn't a hate crime, it was an accident. It was a Lutheran church. I don't really know what that means because I'm pretty sure all Christians who aren't Catholic are Protestant. Unless they're Unitarian. Which might mean they're cyborgs****. Good grazing gods, I'm offensive today. Probably because I'm still high on the adrenaline of wielding a baseball bat against a drunken man last night...
Y'all. I have very little to hold onto in my life. Through a series of poor decisions made, bad luck, and a lot of spiders and tickle clowns I lost most of the material and immaterial things that mattered to me over the past couple of years. I have no car, and half of my belongings got downsized when I moved back home after grad school. I'm pushing 30, unmarried, and the career I gave up for the life I was going to have hasn't really kicked off. I moved home a year ago and was in bed with tonsillitis for the greater part of 6 months. Now I'm working the same part time job I had as an undergrad for the same pay. The only thing I have that I really love is my home. My brother "Baldy" and I inherited a 3-family apartment building from our father. It has a mom and pop shop in front where my sister "R" and her wife "The Reverend Doctor" run a bookstore. I have a little apartment downstairs and a gay neighbor upstairs who sleeps on my couch and makes me watch "Clean House" until the chaos goes away. People should not fuck with the only thing I care about when I have so little to lose.
But they do. The hipsters in my neighborhood with their "fuck authority" attitude (fucking privileged white kids with nothing better to do) like to piss in my driveway. On my building. Beneath my bedroom window. Also, they like to be loud and shitty, but I don't much mind loudness as I am loud and shitty myself. But really, why the fuck do grown ass humans need to be told not to piss on other people's property? Were they raised in a barn?*****
I mean, just last night the douchebags from two doors over decided to climb up on their roof to set off fireworks, and then climb onto my niece's roof next door to throw more fireworks into my backyard which is full of cars with gas in their tanks and which is next to my beloved wood-frame home. So my niece goes out on her back porch and tries to get them to go back to their own roof, which prompts them to throw lit fireworks down onto her. Did I mention that the occupants of that building include an older man with Alzheimer's and a 13-year old boy, both of whom I'm related to? And that they threw fireworks into my niece's face? So, of course we rang their bells and tried to get into their building and called the cops, but they locked the doors and hid.
Then, as I was standing around with my two nieces, waiting to see if anyone would come out of that building, my older niece goes down our driveway to the backyard to see if she can see anyone up on the roof. I was pretty aggravated and having anxiety and asthma and a whole lot of fun, because of course my home, the only thing I cling to, was being threatened. So, when a few minutes later a large drunk man teetered down the block and into my driveway and got between me and my niece, something in my brain snapped. I don't remember much, but apparently I screamed "Oh hell no!" and got a baseball bat and ran at him. Mostly I just slammed the baseball bat against the metal gates at the store front, and screamed a lot.
Friends, I am 5'3 and round. I am maybe not so intimidating. But I am loud and I am insane and I have no fear of death******. I have nothing to lose. This man should have been scared. A screaming fatass with a baseball bat is something you run from. Or at least stumble away drunkenly. But instead he saw a fat chick half his size (yup) and tried to get in my face and tell me I was out of line for waving a baseball bat at him. I mean, he was pissing under my bedroom fucking window. And he stunk like beer and uselessness. And then his daughter shows up and she's drunk too and she kept putting her hands on me. It's really a miracle I only used the baseball bat as a barrier between them and my nieces and not as a bludgeoning tool. These assholes also claimed they were harmless and wanted no trouble but refused to go away, and my poor nieces kept trying to reason with them while my neighbors all watched. I think they ran when the police finally came.
So, congratulations people who live at 387. You get away with being douchebags for now, but I'm fucking crazy and no one's taken my baseball bat away yet. Pretty much any time I see someone get out of a car and walk into your building from now on, I'm going to break something on their car. Also, pretty much any time I find anything dead or disgusting near my garbage cans, it's going on your doorstep. I hope someone stabs you in the throat while you're out grocery shopping for PBRs and skinny jeans.
*She's Jewish.
**But only my electronics. I firmly believe they crap out on you less if you treat them like people. IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL AND IF YOU SAY ANY DIFFERENT IT'S A HATE CRIME BC I'M PAGAN.
****This is a reference to "Oh My Gods" which apparently now only exists in my memories. Oh well.
*****GET OFF MY LAWN.
*****GET OFF MY LAWN.
****** I do however, have an unreasonable fear of heights so if you make me chase you across the rooftops I'm probably going to throw you over so that there's something soft to land on in case I trip and fall over myself.
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